Finding love when dating apps aren t your thing abc everyday


Finding love when dating apps aren t your thing
"Now you know where to find them — they'll be at the dog beach, at NRL games or dance classes," she says.
Finding love when dating apps aren't your thing
If you're not a fan of dating apps or sites, how do you find love in 2018?
Apps like Tinder and Grindr have their advantages — you're reaching a wider pool of people quickly and can filter out potential duds.
But for some singles, who are worried about misleading profiles as well as their own privacy and safety, finding a partner IRL still sounds pretty good.
So, how do you find a date offline without leaving it to chance?
We spoke to three dating and relationship coaches to find out.
Why it's OK to shun dating apps
Dating coach Damien Diecke from Sydney says the problem with dating apps is they promise more than they can deliver.
"They make you feel like a lot of people are interested in you, and it takes a while to realise very few of them respond, very few are who they claim to be," he says.
"You can waste a lot of time and emotional energy."
21 questions for lovers who are lost for words
Whether you're writing a wedding speech, or sending a longer-than-usual text, here's how to start.
Queer-friendly relationship coach Megan Luscombe says bad experiences are turning people off.
"A lot of people have been burnt in that scenario and decide to get back to basics of what dating used to be about — actually having conversations."
Then there's the question of safety.
Recently, Queensland police warned that dating sites were "creating a problem", by enabling predators to target potential victims.
Feeling shy? Hit up your friends and colleagues to find other singles. ( Unsplash )
If you're already wary of online dating, the good news is meeting someone in person isn't out of the question.
A 2017 Relationships Australia report involving 600 people found that 44 per cent of women and 34 per cent of men had met a new partner through mutual friends.
Meeting new flames at work, in bars and through sports or clubs was also popular.
So if you've given up on apps, or never tried them, here are three ways to up your chances of finding someone you like.
1. Figure out exactly who you'd like to meet
Being super specific about the kind of person you want to meet will help you find them, says life coach Stephanie Chan.
Dealing with racism in gay online dating
Online dating can be a cruel sport, especially when it comes to race.
"Otherwise you are shooting bullets into the air," she says.
"The fine-tuning filtering process makes it easier to spot what you are looking for."
Ms Chan says the more detailed you can be, the better: where would you like your potential partner to live, in what type of house, do they have a dog, what type of dog, do they like wine or beer, do they watch sport, do they have few friends or lots of friends?
"Now you know where to find them — they'll be at the dog beach, at NRL games or dance classes," she says.
"If you like a guy with muscles, join a gym."
In short:

  
Be detailed about who you'd like to meet
  
Put yourself in situations where that type of person might be

2. Pursue your passions to find love
Doing what you love, like going to the beach, can help you meet likeminded people. ( Unsplash )
Everyone we spoke to said that pursuing your own interests can help you meet like-minded people.
"If you don't have passions, discover them," Mr Diecke says.
He recommends seeking out pre-existing groups that meet regularly.
Women rejected these men on dating apps — then the abuse started
Alexandra Tweten joined online dating sites looking for a decent guy, but also found a world of abuse and harassment. Now she's fighting back.
"You're doing things that excite you, but things like meet-up groups have a strong tilt towards single people anyway, because people in relationships tend not to engage in as many of these activities."
Ms Luscombe says if you meet someone in the process, you'll have an immediate common interest.
"If you like singing lessons or horse riding, playing pool or listening to live music, somebody in that room also loves what you do."
In short:

  
Make time for activities you enjoy
  
If you don't meet anyone, you're still better off because you're making time for things you like doing

3. Look up and pay attention
Being aware of your surroundings, even as you walk down the street, is going to help you meet people incidentally, Ms Chan says.
Looking at your phone all the time could see you miss opportunities to meet people. ( Unsplash )
"Don't look at your phone, or your feet or the ground. Look around, smile and interact with others. Making eye contact is really important."
If you spot someone you might like to engage with, create an opportunity to talk to them, Ms Chan says.
"Women especially are terrified of rejection, so you need to engineer an opportunity.
What to do if you're dating someone with debt
Learning about your new bae's relationship with money can be a bombshell. Here's how to handle it.
"The ladies in Victorian days, if they wanted the attention of men they dropped a handkerchief, so men would pick it up and bring it to them."
Recently Ms Chan parked in front of a truck driver while she was unloading boxes for a singles event, and even though there was heaps of space for him to get out, she struck up a conversation by asking, "Have I left you enough room?"
"Next minute he wants to help me carry the boxes," she says.
Other examples include approaching someone in a cafe to ask for half their newspaper, or inquiring about their laptop because you're considering buying the same one.
If you're worried talking to strangers makes you seem creepy, Ms Luscombe says you need to get over that.
"I don't think any conversation that is polite is weird. I think we've made it weird," she says.
"There's nothing better than when you are waiting for a coffee or waiting at the bar for your glass to arrive, and the person next to you asks how your night is going. It doesn't need to be 'Hey, are you single and what's your star sign?'"
A glossary of modern dating terminology
Ghosting, kittenfishing and orbiting: Being across modern dating lingo isn't just about keeping up with the cool kids, it can also be healing and empowering to know what happened to you has a label.
Mr Diecke says men need to be careful not to "corner" a woman when approaching her, and to recognise when she isn't interested.
"If you take an example of waiting behind a woman in a shopping line, ask an innocuous question to gauge a response. If she's happy with that, comment on something in her shopping trolley," he says.
"'I've never given that a try, how is it?' for example.
"But read the body language; a woman will let you know if she wants to talk or not — a good smile, eye contact, more than one-word answers might signal she is happy to chat more. Otherwise, move along and leave her be."
Ms Luscombe says women are so good at reading body language, they rarely cross the line when approaching other women.
In short:

  
Take notice of your surroundings
  
Start a conversation relevant to the situation
  
Recognise when someone isn't interested and move on

If you're regional, you may need to try harder
Dating is all about the numbers, according to Ms Chan, so if your pool is smaller like in a regional area, you may need to try even harder.
"If you haven't met anyone and want to make finding a relationship a priority, you might have to seriously look at moving," she says.
"Otherwise, work with what you have — change your tolerance level. Not lower your standards, but be more forgiving.
"You can still create opportunities to meet people, but you're going to have to be even more proactive about going out."
ABC Everyday in your inbox
Get our newsletter for the best of ABC Everyday each week
Your information is being handled in accordance with the ABC Privacy Collection Statement.
Posted 12 Nov 2018 12 Nov 2018 Mon 12 Nov 2018 at 7:08pm , updated 19 Oct 2020 19 Oct 2020 Mon 19 Oct 2020 at 9:31pm