Love stories i was afraid of online dating but took the leap


Love Stories: I Was Afraid of Online Dating, But Took the Leap
We continued the conversation via the Match site, and after the third email, Allen asked if he could contact me outside of the site. I quickly agreed and sent him my personal email and phone number. Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared that he was an ax murderer. Instead, I was very excited to talk to him. I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my roommate.
Love Stories: I Was Afraid of Online Dating, But Took the Leap
For years, she was terrified of meeting strangers online. When she finally took the leap, she met someone who wasn't a stranger in the first place.
By Janel Herbert Published: Feb 10, 2020
Image Source // Getty Images
For the month of February, we asked readers to tell us their love stories. These personal essays are the best ones we received.

I was a staunch anti-online dating person. Believing only desperate people and murderers used dating sites, I resisted the advice of my friends for years to sign up. My friend didn’t help. Both of us were in our late 40s and had never been married, but she still insisted that it was better to meet someone the “old fashioned way,” meaning in person, than online. She added that she didn’t online dating to be her love story. That statement stuck with me.
As women, I think we all grow up with some fairytale version of how we will meet “the one.” We already have the script in our mind of how our fairytale will go down, but this can actually limit our experience of finding love, preventing us from finding the right person. Honestly, I had a script too, and meeting someone online was not one of them. There was still in my mind a stigma attached to it.
l wanted to be married. I wanted a family. Oddly, I felt both ashamed and empowered by that desire.
As an African American woman who has heard the majority of her adult life that there were no good men left and that my chances of marrying were slim to none, especially after a certain age, it was difficult to have hope. However, I began to challenge that notion, if only in my own head. All of the unsolicited reasons others gave me for not being married, I had to shut them out and really believe love was out there for me.
But, at 48 years old, the old fashioned way wasn't working for me.
I needed to take a leap of faith and go against my own assumptions and preconceived notions about online dating.

In May 2015, I took the plunge and it changed my life. I had just moved back to Washington D.C. for a job and was excited about this new chapter in my life. After seeing a free seven-day trial offer on TV for Match.com, I saw it as a sign. I figured after seven days if I didn’t like it, I could quit. No risk in that, right?
At the encouragement of other friends who had dated online and assured me not everyone was an ax murderer, I did a quick study on how to write a good profile, the kinds of pictures to post and other online dating rules. I decided to be brutally honest about what I wanted, my views, my values, and my interests. I uploaded my best recent headshot and full-body photos and hit submit. Immediately, I received around 70 responses. I had never had that amount of attention at once. I felt like Beyonce and thought: even if I don’t meet someone on here, this was worth the shot of confidence. 
I decided to treat the online experience the way I would treat the offline experience. Online sites are like the friend or aunt that introduces you to someone — they’re not responsible for what you do after that or the outcome. That helped me to destigmatize online dating. Match was just the means, not the end. I only responded to guys who expressed interest in me. And I didn’t initiate correspondence. Since I didn’t ask guys out in real life I didn’t want to do it online either. If I wasn't interested, I still thanked them for their comments and moved on. If I was interested I sent a response and answered their questions, and started asking some of my own.
In that first group of men, someone named Allen reached out to me. He added me as his favorite, winked at me and sent a message. His initiative, along with his handsome picture, caught my attention.

Out of all the men who responded, many with kind compliments and flirty messages, Allen was the only one who responded with a question. He asked about my faith — something that was very important to me and that I was upfront about in my profile. This made him stand out. I was intrigued. I responded, then asked him about his faith, and what church he attended. He said Grace Covenant, which was the same name as the church I attended. 

At the time, I couldn’t believe it. We couldn’t possibly be attending the same church, I thought. There must be other churches in the area with that name. But, as it turns out, it was the same church. After that, I discovered we had many more connections. The whole thing seemed so serendipitous.
We continued the conversation via the Match site, and after the third email, Allen asked if he could contact me outside of the site. I quickly agreed and sent him my personal email and phone number. Surprisingly, I wasn’t scared that he was an ax murderer. Instead, I was very excited to talk to him. I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my roommate.
“I met a guy online who attends Grace,” I told her when I got home. Then I showed her a photo of him. “You know him?”
“Oh, that’s Allen,” she said.
“Wow, you do know him.”
“Yes, I’ve known him for about 10 years. He’s a great guy and helped us plan the missions trip to South Africa.”
It turns out, Allen had lived there for three years, and I had actually gone on one of those planned trips in 2010, where our group volunteered at an orphanage for children who had HIV or were orphaned by parents who had HIV. The whole thing seemed so surreal.
After a few missed calls, we finally connected on the phone. When I heard his voice for the first time, I was mesmerized by its deep, rich, clear, and pronounced sound.
Our first conversation went on for about three hours and it was like talking to a close, old friend.
We talked about where we grew up — he in the Bay area in California, me in Chicago. We spoke about our families — he was the youngest of three, I was the youngest of five. We talked about college and career experiences, his fraternity, our church, and life. The call was full of discoveries, and the more we talked, the more we learned about our interconnected social circles.
He would describe an event and mention a person, and I would chime in that I knew that same person. I told him about my roommate and he couldn’t believe we knew so many of the same people, both personally and professionally. Both of us previously worked as lobbyists, and we shared a passion for real estate, documentaries, politics, travel, and books. And we indulged one another’s individual passions too — mine for writing and his for the space industry, as he is a dedicated Trekkie with a degree in Aerospace Engineering.
It turns out, we had attended some of the same meetings and events, but our paths never crossed. We had a history even before we had a relationship.
For our first in-person meeting we decided to meet at Starbucks at a local mall. I felt like a giddy teenager and put on my favorite dress, put my contact lenses in and went to the salon to get my hair styled. I arrived at the mall early in hopes of seeing him before he could see me, but he had not arrived yet. And then suddenly he turned the corner, and we saw each other for the first time.
To my delight, he was even more fun and vibrant in person. He even had a nerdy side that I hadn’t picked up on from our phone calls, which I loved. He called me pretty and said I looked better in person than on my profile picture.

He showed me photos of his kids, and we talked about many different subjects, including our shared dreams. When it was time to leave, he asked me out for another date and walked me to my car. He said I will keep asking you out until you say no, and five years later I still haven’t said no.
For years, I was one degree of separation from the love of my life and didn't know it.
When I was in my optimistic 20s, I made a list of all I wanted in a husband — Allen fits all of them (except he’s not a big sports fan).
He is still the same kind, thoughtful, honest, and loyal man I met that day. I have never wondered what his intentions were or how he feels about me. There was never a doubt in his mind or mine, that we were meant to be together. I am fortunate that the best relationship I’ve ever had is to the man I am married to.
When our friends saw that we were a couple, they all had an aha moment and said: You all are great for each other, why didn’t I think of introducing you? We got engaged the following year and married seven months after that, and each day I am amazed at how perfectly suited we are for one another. Sometimes technology has to intervene when your friends don't.

Janel Herbert is a freelance writer living her best expat life with her husband in Abu Dhabi, UAE. Follow her on Twitter @TheJanelHerbert.


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